Blood Moon
If you know me or have read my last two post at this point you would know that I suffer from severe anxiety and depression. If you don't know me or this is your first time reading this, hello, my name is Allison and my brain basically has a 1:1 civil war with itself a few times a day. In other words, I frequently find myself trying to juggle what I know is a lie I tell myself and what is the truth myself tries to talk itself out of. Trust me, its just as confusing for me to understand it as it was for you reading that last sentence. That being said, I tend to have some, of what I call, "bad days". My definition of a "bad day" is when I get into these mental sumo matches with myself and I keep loosing. If you have read my last two post, I have written about these altercations I have had with myself and how God was showed me the truth. I want to discuss with y'all a time when God revealed himself to me before the first punch was thrown in the boxing match that is my brain.
For me to properly tell this story, I have to give you some background information. I live in a quaint little town that surrounds a lake. This lake is nothing that should be held to a high esteem. Quite frankly, this particular lake has a reputation to be quite questionable as far as its "lake hygiene" goes, in fact most of my friends who live in town with me, refuse to swim in the lake. I; however, love this little lake and it is, by far, one of my most favorite places to be. Another thing to note is that I belong to a Bible study of young adults that meet on Sunday evenings. I am only usually able to make it every other weekend due to my work schedule. This story takes place on a Sunday at Bible study on my weekend to work; however, due to circumstances at work, I was able to get out early and make it the latter half of study, which is a blessing in and of itself because that day in particular was a "bad day". When I got to my friends house, they were in the middle of giving prayer requests in which I shared, like I do every Sunday with them, about how my "bad days" are more frequent and they have been coming at me stronger than they ever had before. After tears were shed, and prayers said, someone had the idea to go to the lake and just sit on the dock to sing and worship and fellowship with one another. I, of course, thought this was a fabulous idea figuring the lake is a happy place of mine. As we piled in a couple of cars to go this little body of water, I wanted to cry and also pray but mostly cry because I was just so mentally and emotionally exhausted from life. In my heart, I knew God was preparing for something that was going to take place at the lake.
When we arrived, I spent some time on the dock with my friends singing and goofing around like we do. I then impulsively jumped in. I begged others to join me, but no one did because the lake is, low-key, kinda gross. I didn't care. I swam out, fully clothed in scrubs, to the point where I was out of sight of my friends, but I could still slightly hear them. As I floated on the water listening to the sound of flowing waves and distant laughter, I begged God to show me something that would give me peace. I audibly poured my heart out to God repenting of the evil thoughts I have of myself. I apologized to God for believing in the lies and not trusting his abilities. I cried. I helped raise the water line with how many tears I shed. At this point, I felt insane and like I was going to drown in my tears and anxiety. Once again I begged God to show me his peace. As soon as the words left my mouth, I looked to the sky and saw a blood moon. I knew God gave me that moon. Sure everyone could see it, but God allowed it right there, to come out from behind the clouds and beam down on this sorry soul.
I swear I stared at the moon for hours. It was probably only like 30 minutes, but to me, it felt like I was there for a whole night. In those passing moments as I laid there floating, nothing was going through my head. Not. One. Thought. It was the most peaceful I have EVER felt in my entire life. It was a true answer to my prayer. A few moments prior I felt like I wanted to tie cement blocks to my ankles and in the next moment God showed me how beautiful and peaceful a moment can really be. As I stared at the moon I began to audibly pray again that I could always feel this peace. I prayed that I could just stay there forever. My heart knew that wasn't possible. In fact, I felt the spirit telling me to swim back to shore. That was the polar opposite of what I wanted to do. Again the spirit told me to swim. I saw a cloud approaching the moon and I wanted to cry. I did not want the cloud to cover the moon, my moon. When the moon was completely masked by the clouds, I felt the spirit more fervently tell me to swim back. This time I listened. As I was swimming, I also felt the spirit tell me not to turn back and look for the moon. It reminded of the story in the Bible about Lot's wife who was instructed not to turn around, but she did not listen, and turned into a pillar of salt. I knew I did not want to turn into a pillar of salt, and as much as I wanted to turn and look for the moon, I swiftly swam back to meet my friends at shore. As soon I reach the ladder to the dock, it began to downpour rain. I made it to the dock just in time. In God's perfect timing.
I am a believer that God can give you little signs in order to help you understand or cope with something. Whenever I find myself mentally putting on my boxing gloves, and going to my corner to fight my brain, I remember the night of my blood moon. I can visually imagine the peace that overcame my frail body. I can put myself back in that place. I can see it coming out from behind the clouds. I can taste the salt of my tears from that night. I can feel the blanket of water comforting me. I know that even though my brain sometimes hates me, God doesn't. He is still alive, He is still presently working in my heart. He is the almighty comforter. He is the great physician, and I believe that he will continually show me blood moons in various different forms.
For me to properly tell this story, I have to give you some background information. I live in a quaint little town that surrounds a lake. This lake is nothing that should be held to a high esteem. Quite frankly, this particular lake has a reputation to be quite questionable as far as its "lake hygiene" goes, in fact most of my friends who live in town with me, refuse to swim in the lake. I; however, love this little lake and it is, by far, one of my most favorite places to be. Another thing to note is that I belong to a Bible study of young adults that meet on Sunday evenings. I am only usually able to make it every other weekend due to my work schedule. This story takes place on a Sunday at Bible study on my weekend to work; however, due to circumstances at work, I was able to get out early and make it the latter half of study, which is a blessing in and of itself because that day in particular was a "bad day". When I got to my friends house, they were in the middle of giving prayer requests in which I shared, like I do every Sunday with them, about how my "bad days" are more frequent and they have been coming at me stronger than they ever had before. After tears were shed, and prayers said, someone had the idea to go to the lake and just sit on the dock to sing and worship and fellowship with one another. I, of course, thought this was a fabulous idea figuring the lake is a happy place of mine. As we piled in a couple of cars to go this little body of water, I wanted to cry and also pray but mostly cry because I was just so mentally and emotionally exhausted from life. In my heart, I knew God was preparing for something that was going to take place at the lake.
When we arrived, I spent some time on the dock with my friends singing and goofing around like we do. I then impulsively jumped in. I begged others to join me, but no one did because the lake is, low-key, kinda gross. I didn't care. I swam out, fully clothed in scrubs, to the point where I was out of sight of my friends, but I could still slightly hear them. As I floated on the water listening to the sound of flowing waves and distant laughter, I begged God to show me something that would give me peace. I audibly poured my heart out to God repenting of the evil thoughts I have of myself. I apologized to God for believing in the lies and not trusting his abilities. I cried. I helped raise the water line with how many tears I shed. At this point, I felt insane and like I was going to drown in my tears and anxiety. Once again I begged God to show me his peace. As soon as the words left my mouth, I looked to the sky and saw a blood moon. I knew God gave me that moon. Sure everyone could see it, but God allowed it right there, to come out from behind the clouds and beam down on this sorry soul.
I swear I stared at the moon for hours. It was probably only like 30 minutes, but to me, it felt like I was there for a whole night. In those passing moments as I laid there floating, nothing was going through my head. Not. One. Thought. It was the most peaceful I have EVER felt in my entire life. It was a true answer to my prayer. A few moments prior I felt like I wanted to tie cement blocks to my ankles and in the next moment God showed me how beautiful and peaceful a moment can really be. As I stared at the moon I began to audibly pray again that I could always feel this peace. I prayed that I could just stay there forever. My heart knew that wasn't possible. In fact, I felt the spirit telling me to swim back to shore. That was the polar opposite of what I wanted to do. Again the spirit told me to swim. I saw a cloud approaching the moon and I wanted to cry. I did not want the cloud to cover the moon, my moon. When the moon was completely masked by the clouds, I felt the spirit more fervently tell me to swim back. This time I listened. As I was swimming, I also felt the spirit tell me not to turn back and look for the moon. It reminded of the story in the Bible about Lot's wife who was instructed not to turn around, but she did not listen, and turned into a pillar of salt. I knew I did not want to turn into a pillar of salt, and as much as I wanted to turn and look for the moon, I swiftly swam back to meet my friends at shore. As soon I reach the ladder to the dock, it began to downpour rain. I made it to the dock just in time. In God's perfect timing.
I am a believer that God can give you little signs in order to help you understand or cope with something. Whenever I find myself mentally putting on my boxing gloves, and going to my corner to fight my brain, I remember the night of my blood moon. I can visually imagine the peace that overcame my frail body. I can put myself back in that place. I can see it coming out from behind the clouds. I can taste the salt of my tears from that night. I can feel the blanket of water comforting me. I know that even though my brain sometimes hates me, God doesn't. He is still alive, He is still presently working in my heart. He is the almighty comforter. He is the great physician, and I believe that he will continually show me blood moons in various different forms.
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